How can anyone not love Jodi Picoult? She's the ULTIMATE GODDESS.

If you've read the latest post on my other blog, you'd have learned that I am currently suffering from some kind of depression which causes still remain in a thick fog of mystery to me. Apparently, nothing had, hitherto, convinced my puny brain that perhaps with knowledge of the factors that contribute to my depression, I might just find a logical antidote to rectify things, spruce my life up and all that.

Anyhow, after ruling out a few possibilities, I've decided to attribute my depression to the idling phase of life I'm currently treading through listlessly. Throughout the year, seven days a week, my planner is somehow scrawled with en masse to- do lists. You can barely find uncharted regions on its pages. It's either reminders, to- do lists, motivational quotes to keep the energy level up, or the occasional scrawl of frustration when the workload caved in and drove me berserk. Here's an example:

Saturday, 30th January
1. dance practice
2. tuition (my one and only tuition)
3. school project
4. theory class
5. e- mail sponsors

Tuesday. March 30th, 2010

1. Submit letter to xxx organization
2. Submit letter to HM
3. Meeting with HM
4. Settle club logo
5. Submit ed- board assignments
6. Charity dinner meeting
7. Meeting with sponsors
8. Club meeting
9. Arrange interview
10. Submit article (stupid freelance job)
11. Scour for ed board sponsors
12. scour for club sponsors
13. prepare for next club meeting

That's basically a sneak peak into my hectic daily schedule of 2010. And guess what? I'M STILL ALIVE!! :D

And during term breaks, my weekly schedule is pretty much something like this:

1. Club excursion to Paws (check whether letter is approved, if not, then jump down a building)
2. Ed board photo shoot (o.m.g. wad to wear? I haven't shopped since...since... CNY -.-)
3. Study (since I have only one tuition when my peers go for at least 5)
4. Finish up all ed board assignments (before someone comes after me with a sledgehammer)
5. Plan for club activities
6. More studying

That explains why I hadn't gone on a holiday. Not that I didn't want to, problem was, HOW?

And now, my current schedule is:

1. just go with the flow of the day.

see? AIMLESS.

Life became TOO EASY. I mean usually, I'd go to bed worrying about homework or tomorrow's exams. But I no longer have to. I only worry bout the nightmares I'm about to have once I slip under the sheets. Other than that I've got NOTHING to worry about. I can go to bed thinking to myself, "Tomorrow, I can do WHATEVER I want. Nothing to bother me or ruin my day. I can even laze about, watch back- to- back episodes of whatever I wish to watch and not care about ANYTHING."

How abnormal is that? How often do I get days like these??

I spent the past few days picking up my kibbled soul, trying to festoon my life with positive vibes once again. I won't lie saying that it's working, but at least I managed to get my mind off so much sadness, though sadness in this context is an understatement.

In two days, I will be leaving the country to somewhere far from home. I hope when I return, everything will be back to normal. People say I've changed, but that's just people talking. I haven't changed, it's just me going through another chapter life, trying out different ways to attend to the problems in life, writing the chapters in different styles. Granted, they might not be of my best interests and benefits, but nobody's prefect.

Frustration.

Ever felt that lump of white- hot rage surging within you, rising all the way up to your larynx, waiting to pop once you vocalize your wrath, yet remains cooped up in the confines of your emotions just because you can't seem to let your anger out on anyone?

That my friends, is called frustration. Mental, spiritual agony. With frustration, depression ensues. And with depression, well, let's just say your world is literally ending. You NO LONGER see the light at the end of the tunnel. You begin to wonder if there was ever a light at the end of the tunnel to begin with. You have fallen into an abyss so deep that darkness is all you live with everyday.

I have fallen into that abyss. Nothing makes me happy. NOTHING. Not even writing makes me happy. HOW CAN THAT NOT MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY? I'm an aspiring author for goodness' sake! Reading doesn't help either. Watching TV makes me wanna kill myself and the worst thing is, I feel even more depressed when I'm on a fucking holiday.

A holiday. How can you not feel happy when you're on a holiday?? Okay, I am starting to freak myself out with all this depression.

I was away at the beach with my family last weekend- my first holiday of the year (I skipped three family vacations this year because of fucking school events, piano and school exams). I was planning to for once, set my thoughts aside (maybe lock them up in a cupboard and annihilate the stupid key or something) and just have fun, kick back relax and all that. But I ended up forcing myself to write a poem.  ON THE BEACH where you're supposed to be surfing waves, riding horses, building sandcastles and whatever a normal human does at the beach.

I'm so sick of myself. So sick that whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I have this urge to throw up. *coughs why is it that the moment I'm done typing that sentence Ne-Yo's So Sick plays on my MP3 coughs*

Still, I got to have a lil' bit of fun with my DSLR.